Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
