Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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