morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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