Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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