I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
