Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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