I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
