I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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