Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
