she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
