Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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