I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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