I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So vagazzling was a success
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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