I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
