I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
