If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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