Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
