Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
