That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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