summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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