On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can text with my tongue
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
