dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
