People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry about my life...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
