guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
