Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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