This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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