i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
