I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
