dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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