So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
