Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
