I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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