I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize