Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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