I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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