you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
