everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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