I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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