My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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