we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
