I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
