Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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