she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
