my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
