Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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