We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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