shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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