my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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