oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
