hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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