I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drunk is a universal language darling
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
