You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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