they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
