Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
