I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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