Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
