I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
