The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize