ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
