we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
